


Cinereous

by ML_Fox



Series: Colour Story [6]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Another Story (Mystic Messenger), Another Story Spoilers (Mystic Messenger), Bruises, Comfort/Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I Love V | Kim Jihyun, Implied/Referenced Torture, Love Confessions, Named Main Character (Mystic Messenger), POV Main Character (Mystic Messenger), POV Third Person, V | Kim Jihyun Deserved Better, V | Kim Jihyun's Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28254339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ML_Fox/pseuds/ML_Fox
Summary: Sixth prompt ofJihyun Week: Dream |Tranquility“I… never deserved to love anyone in the first place…”Set during the 1pm 8th Day phone call. Lux takes a much needed break after caring for V after his rescue. She has a dream that causes her to have hope for his future. She decides to call him and tell him about it, but his words on the other side may have just convinced her that everything, indeed, is hopeless.Note: This is not an entry to the Jihyun Week event. I'm bascially just trying to finish this series off.
Relationships: V | Kim Jihyun/Main Character
Series: Colour Story [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1909057
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Cinereous

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive the use of artistic license to change the phone conversation around to make it sound more organic for the purposes of this fic. I hope you enjoy it nevertheless!

For the first time, Lux takes a break.

It's at Seven's insistence. V gives him enough stress; if she also falls ill then his heart will definitely fail. So, for his sanity, she leaves V in their care for a short while. Since she's desperate for some fresh air, she tells the agents that she'll be resting outside. After a stern warning in safety and self-preservation, Seven sends her off.

That's how she ends up underneath a great tree just a short distance away from the cabin. She wraps her arms around herself with a sigh. The hideout's in an open area, allowing her to see a gorgeous view of the mountains. With a faraway stare, she traces the jagged shapes with her gaze. Weariness begins to weigh on her as she relaxes.

She closes her eyes...

... But opens them again when the echoes return.

V's pain... his torture... the sound of it won't leave her head. All she could do was listen at that time. In this mess she created that was the extent of her usefulness. Sit, chat, listen... that was it. Wouldn't that make her the worst? With her naivety she caused this... yet, she couldn't even help the man who risked his life for her. As he choked and gasped and cried... all she amounted to was listening.

A lump forms in her throat and she swallows it down. The past twelve hours... was like hell. V's anguish cut into her soul. And it wasn't only his physical pain. The things he had said in delirium... it made her hurt for him. That kind of pain... it's ingrained so deep within him that dislodging it requires a miracle. What makes it worse is that every negative thought he accepts nurtures it. With his own hands, he digs it deeper, making it more impossible to remove.

Because of this she takes charge of caring for V. He worked so hard and suffered so much for her sake. Compared to that her efforts aren’t much. Still, she wants to do what she can for him. It is her turn. This isn't enough and it will never be, but the least she can do is help him through this.

In the early days, she didn't understand why he worried so much for her.

But those past twelve hours, as he writhed in pain...

She understood...

Now, all she thinks about is him—his health, safety, happiness…

If anything happens to him…

Lux sighs.

Good thing he seems to be improving—if the way he looked this morning was any indication. It's all thanks to Vanderwood, Seven's associate. Even with this, she was useless, only delegated to helping the agent as he purged the elixir from V's system. Yet, even as the poison leaves his body, the one in his heart remains. How can she begin to heal something like that? What kind of antidote does it need?

As she puzzles these questions, her lids grow heavy. The exhaustion finally catches up to her. Yawning, she closes her eyes. A short nap... that's all she needs. Stealing a few minutes of rest will ease the tension a bit. After that... she'll return to V’s side.

Within minutes, she’s sound asleep.

The next time she opens her eyes, she finds herself looking into another's... gentle and mint coloured. She looks into them with love, happiness, and pride... because he _did_ it. Everything he wanted for himself, all that she hoped for him... he achieved them all. Now in his hands is the one thing she wished for him. All the effort he made himself, the burden he carried alone with no complaint—he never gave up. He fought... and he won.

And the change in him... nothing short of miraculous. Gazing at him, she realises that she's seeing him for the first time. This man, the one standing in front of her, is _him_ —as a human being. _Alive_. And God, how she loves him. For taking the courage to step out... she loves him more. Now he lives for himself— _loves_ himself. The person before her makes her heart so full she's about to burst.

He holds her hands tightly, as if he's telling her that he will never let her go. She doesn't want him to. Tears spring from her eyes as he says the words she longs to hear. How his eyes sparkle with love and vitality. She wants to stay by his side, to walk with him on every journey he takes. She wants to see through it all with him, now until the end of time.

Laughing through her tears, she reaches out and cups his cheek. Then, she gently combs through his new hairstyle. He leans into her touch, gazing at her with such tenderness that it makes her cry more. For the first time in a long time she's happy. Their future is now something she looks forward to

Then, in the distance, she hears something…

Lux wakes up with a start, disoriented from the sudden transition from dream to reality. Looking around, she recognises the mountains while her mind reeled with incoherent thoughts. To calm herself she takes in a few deep breaths of fresh oxygen. What she saw... was a dream. It wasn't real--it _wasn't_ , but... a cautious smile tugs at her lips. It can be. It _will_ be. She'll work hard to make it so. The vision is so full of hope that it feeds the optimist in her, convincing her that everything will be okay.

The sound that roused her was her message tone. It's Seven, telling her to return and continue resting in the cabin. Sighing, she rises to her feet and embarks on the trek back to the cabin. After sending a text back her smile finally breaks out. She should call V and tell him about her dream. He exuded such happiness in that vision—though it's not real, in that place he reached peace. If he thinks about that, even just the possibility of it, then it will give him hope too.

The phone rings as she brings it to her ear. It connects after a few seconds. Smile widening, she's about to say his name when his pained, heavy breathing stops her. The joy in her expression vanishes. Icicles prick her nerves as a cold feeling spreads from the pit of her stomach. Her steps hasten.

"H-hello...?" he rasps.

"V!" she cries. "V, are you okay? What's wrong!?"

He sounds like he's struggling to breathe. Every shaky breath he takes brings shudders down her spine. It pushes the cold to crawl into her heart. She breaks at a run as she waits for his answer. With each step she silently begs V to say something, anything, comfort her and tell her that he's okay.

"I feel..." he pants, "hot..."

The cabin is close. Another minute and she can reach the door. Half of her wants to end the call and alert the agents... but the sound of his agony is so great that she can't leave him. He sounds like he did back then, during his torture. That time when she couldn't do anything. She listens now as she did back then... but at least this time around she can go to him. She can help.

At least with this... she can be by his side.

"I'm on my way!" she says. "Hang on!"

“I… never deserved to love anyone in the first place…”

Lux almost freezes at his words. The sharpness of it grazes her heart. No... please, not again. She runs faster, bracing to hear more of the hurtful words he wounds himself with. A plethora of comforts and assurances gather at the top of her head. It's useless and hopeless, like before when they treated him for the first time... but still, she readies herself to say it to him anyway.

“V, listen—”

“I’m… a person… who only… hurts others… it’d be best… if I could get lost somewhere where I couldn’t meet anyone… and die there…”

“V… V, don’t say that…” she says, a lump forming in her throat.

Tears sting the back of her eyes, but she refuses to cry. She swallows down the lump in her throat. Since she started this whole mess she had not shed a tear. Now is not the time to do so. V had been strong for her; now she has to be for him. She can't be weak, not when she has no right to. Though she bleeds for him every time he hurts himself... she must be strong. For him. She _must_ be.

"V, listen to me," she pleads as she bursts through the door.

The commotion takes the agents by surprise. A cursory look at their faces reveals their shock at her urgency, but she has no time for them. She ignores them as they yell and demand answers from her. She rushes through the living room towards the hallway leading to the bedrooms.

"Listen—you're not that kind of person, okay? J-just... _please_ , listen to me, okay? Trust me, please."

V's room is the first door. She reaches towards the knob, ready to burst in—

“How could I?”

She pauses. His words are both a demand and a plea. Tears start to well up her eyes and she squeezes them closed to prevent them from falling. Gritting her teeth, she takes her hand off the knob, curling it into a fist and pounding it weakly against the door. The rambling may come from the elixir, but the words all come from within him. What frustrates and kills her is that no matter her effort it will never reach him. It's like she's fighting against the inevitable.

“Look at what I have done…” he continues, “Rika… RFA… you…”

 _But it’s not your fault_! She wants to say to him.

“How can I… who have endangered everyone…”

_No, it was me. I endangered everyone… because I was stupid…_

The words she so desperately wants to scream at him can't find its way out of her lips. She bites the bottom as it starts to tremble. The tears persist behind her lids. She is a hairsbreadth away from betraying her own pain, but she must not. She has to be strong for him. There will be time to be weak later, but right now he needs her. And she must not be weak in front of him.

"I'm really sorry..."

She shakes her head at his apology. "No..."

“Why… do you… even… care for me…?”

“Because I like you, V…!”

The words, whispered and pained, escape her lips.

Silence follows.

“I—I want…” she continues, hesitating, “I want to be by your side…”

Regret follows at the tail end of her confession. She grimaces. Of all the things to tell him at this moment. How silly of her to let this slip when, right now, nothing she says ever heals anything. This is the first time she tells him plainly how she feels... and it won't even reach him. It won't even come close to touching his heart. These words of hers will not do a single thing to tether him to anything worth living for.

“By my side…?”

She almost cringes at V's shocked voice. Nervousness and anxiety overtake her. She finds that she doesn't want to hear it right now.

His answer.

“S-sorry... forget what I just said—”

“W-where are you now?”

Her eyes snap open and she looks at the door in surprise.

“I’m right here.”

“Lux, I... want to hear your voice in person…”

“V?”

“Not just your voice… I want to see you…”

There's a change in his voice—urgency? Desperation... no, it's yearning... for what? Her? Her heart, tormented and confused, pounds in her chest as her mind reels. She yearns for him too. More than anything. Though she's been by his side all this time she still wants to see him; she wants to hear his voice. She wants to hold his hands and offer him comfort. She wants to help him.

She reaches for the knob again.

“I’m coming in—”

“N-no...! No…”

She stops.

“You should… take your time… I cannot let you see me right now…”

“It’s okay, V—”

“It’s not—I cannot… make you another victim…”

With a sad smile, she shakes her head in disagreement.

He should stop being so kind…

Because if this keeps up… she has no choice but to fall.

“I’m sorry… I’ll hang up now before I say anything more strange…”

“I’ll be there soon, V.”

“Okay…” he sighs. “Be careful…”

As soon as the call ends her hand falls and hangs limply at her side. When the tension dissipates she finds her legs feeling weak. She lets it give out under her and slowly, she slides down against the door. Sighing, she presses her forehead against the wood. V suffers on the other side... but she needs time to compose herself.

While she takes a few deep breaths, she feels a warm, heavy hand on her shoulder. She looks up to see Seven sitting on his haunches beside her. With his face turned away she can't see his expression, but she appreciates the gesture all the same. To tell him she's okay, she pats his hand. Nodding, he stands up and begins to walk back to the living room.

"If you need anything..." he says. "Well, you know."

“I will; thank you.”

Lux sees him off, watching until he's gone. Finally, she stands. Anxiety rolls within her like a storm, but she steels herself. Squaring her shoulders, she breathes deep and opens the door. The sight that greets her breaks her heart, but... somehow, thankfully, it's not as bad as she expects.

Lux left V on the bed when she took her break. Now, he's on the floor, sitting against it. His head is bowed, long hair covering his face. Every breath he takes makes his shoulders shake. Some spots on his shirt had darkened with sweat. Assessing the situation, she decides on what to do first. Pocketing her mobile, she walks straight to the drawers to pick up a fresh shirt. Then, she turns to him. Lowering on her haunches, she puts her arms around him and tries to lift him up. At that moment, he comes to. She gives him an encouraging smile as he gazes dazedly at her.

“L-Lux…” he mumbles. “Y-you’re… here…”

“I am, V,” she says with a huff. “I’m here.”

“Thank God…” he sighs, relieved. “Thank God…”

“How did you end up on the floor?”

“I’m sorry… I don’t know…”

Lux sighs as she bears all his weight. They're in an awkward position and it's straining them both by the minute. Though V's thin and a bit lanky, their differences in weight are still significant. She debates on calling any of the agents for help, but... the bed is just there. Coming to a swift decision, she renews her grip.

“In any case, let’s get you up,” she says, breathless. “You’re not out of the woods yet; if you stay on the floor you’ll get sicker... okay, V?”

“Yes…”

“Up on the bed, then,” she says. “Come on—one, two…”

Biting her lips, Lux pushes them both to their feet. V tries his best, but this latest episode left him weak. Still, thanks to his effort she has an easier time sitting him on the edge of the mattress. He wobbles and sways forward, almost toppling off. To steady him, she holds onto his shoulder. Gently, she brushes his damp hair aside to get a good look. His face is wet with sweat. The shade of his skin is deathly pale. Though his eyes are open there’s a blank look in them that worries her.

“Lux…”

She starts when he grabs hold of her hand.

“What’s wrong?” she says softly.

V catches his breath, unable to answer immediately. Then a jolt races across her body as his blank eyes turn to her. Gradually, light returns within them. Lux catches a hint of focus that tells her he's coming back to life... or at the very least he's coming out of his void and into the present.

"I'm so glad to see you..." he sighs. "Are you okay? Are you safe?"

"I'm okay." She intertwines their fingers together, squeezing. "See?"

He nods, weakly squeezing back.

“You’ve sweated a lot,” she says, stroking her thumb across his skin. “Let’s dry you off and change your shirt, okay? It will be uncomfortable resting with damp clothes.”

“Okay…”

“Okay.”

Gingerly, she extricates herself from him. Without her supporting him he looks frail, but at least he can now hold himself up. She brings the clean shirt to him before turning to the basin filled with water. It was good thinking, tidying up and changing everything before taking that break. Now, she doesn’t have to worry about the water and washcloths. She takes one from the nightstand, soaking it into the water before wringing the excess.

“Are you able to take your shirt off?”

“Yes.”

She looks away as she waits. After a few minutes, she turns to him, suppressing a wince at the state of his body. It’s bad enough that he’s one meal skip away from skin over bones… yesterday the marks on his body were a fresh, bright red. Now they’ve darkened to bruises. Her bottom lip trembles as her eyes look over the evidence of the torture he endured. Would he have them if she did more?

She doesn’t know…

She won’t ever be able to know.

For now… for now, all she can do is help him.

Swallowing down the impending tears, she leans towards him.

“I’m sorry for this,” she whispers. “I’ll be careful, okay?”

V nods. Slowly, she runs the washcloth against his skin. He shudders and she mumbles another apology. As she wipes the sweat off she’s careful not to apply too much pressure on any bruises she can’t avoid. She watches for his reaction, for any signs of pain, but there’s only an almost serene expression on his face. His eyes are closed, a sign of trust she doesn’t believe she deserves.

“I’m sorry,” he says after a while.

“For what?”

“For making you see me like this… I’m sorry you had to care for me.”

“V, don’t be sorry,” she says. “This isn’t your fault.”

“It _is_ ,” he says. “I don’t deserve your help… or any of this…”

Lux’s mouth set in a thin line. Out of everyone in this cabin, she’s the one who deserves the least amount of help. After everything he ever endured _because_ of her, he’s still protecting her. He still cares. If they switched positions he would go above and beyond to convince her not to apologise.

“Everyone deserves help, V,” she says. “Even the sinners.”

“I don't…”

He trails off and she's finally run out of words to fight against him. She continues with the rest of the clean-up in silence. Every few seconds she checks in on him and every time she catches him watching her. There is a focus in his gaze, the sort that makes her cheeks warm. It's like he sees _only_ her. What a dangerous thought to entertain. He's only looking out for her, as he has always done before. After cleaning him up she helps him with the new shirt; after, she tucks him into bed. Vanderwood's hastily scribbled schedule for the antidote rests on the nightstand. She consults it as V waits, learning that he is due for another dose.

"Drink this," she says, pressing the prepared medication in his palm.

Without a word, he obeys. Lux takes the time to tidy up before resuming her perch on the chair beside him. She smiles when V glances at her, relieved when he smiles back—albeit weakly. Every few seconds his eyes start to flutter. The antidote must be taking effect, which is good. He needs all the rest he can get. She watches as drowsiness sets in him. When he closes his eyes her gaze drifts to his body. Should she ask Vanderwood to do something about his injuries? When they first treated him Vanderwood said there were no broken bones, but... still, those must be painful.

“Lux?”

She blinks, surprised.

"Yes, V?" she says.

He doesn't answer immediately.

"What you said... on the phone before... you came in..."

She frowns. "Which one?"

The moment the words leave her lips she immediately regrets it. There's only one thing in their phone conversation that's worth addressing. After everything that transpired she forgot about it. Her heart races with nervousness. Is he going to answer her? _Now?_ But she's not ready for it. At this moment she doesn't want to hear it.

"Don't worry about that," she says. "It's nothing."

"Lux, please, it's not nothing."

"Right now it is," she insists. "Let's focus on you, V, okay? Your recovery is far more important. And with everything that's going on, we can't afford distractions."

"… As you wish.”

"… Thank you."

"Then... in place of that allow me to apologise."

"For what?" she says, wary. Is he going to reject her after all?

"For my words earlier... I know they trouble you. I'm so sorry."

"Oh..." she sighs, relieved— _terrible_ , but at least she can handle this. ”Don't apologise... it's okay."

"It's not," he says. "I'm sorry for making you see me like this. It must be scary, dealing with me in my delirium. My physical state is no better... you shouldn't be seeing any of this."

"V... your injuries are not your fault."

"Perhaps not..." he sighs, "but I want to protect you from seeing such terrible things. You should only see good things... things that warm your heart and puts your mind at ease. I fear what all this will do to you in the future."

"I appreciate that," she says with a small smile. “But… well, I want to take care of you no matter what. The things you say… the things I see… it won’t stop me from caring for you. Because I want to be _just_ here, beside you.”

“Oh…”

Her smile widens slightly at his reddening cheeks.

“Will you apologise for that too?” she teases.

“I… don’t think it will be appropriate.”

“Yes,” she chuckles. “So don’t worry, okay? Just rest—for me. The faster you recover the better I’ll feel.”

“Lux...”

“All right? Don't think about anything… just concentrate on sleeping."

Swallowing hard, he nods. "Okay..."

As silence falls upon them once more, Lux reaches out on instinct and holds his hand with both of hers. To help him sleep, she runs her thumbs across the back in a soothing massage. Every so often she squeezes, smiling whenever he squeezes back. Compared to what they're all capable of... this is the only thing she can do. She doesn't even know if it's helping. She doesn't know much of anything, which is why she managed to mess up everything and hurt everyone.

V should have left her in Magenta. It would have been for the best.

“Is this okay?” she says, voice catching.

“Yes…” he sighs. “Your hands… warm… gentle…”

She decides to stay beside him until he wakes... until he no longer needs her. As she watches over him the dream sneaks into her mind, taunting her. The opportunity to talk to him about it had passed already. Still, she wants to tell him all about it. At the same time, she must be honest with herself. With the way things are now it doesn't seem like it will make any difference. He wouldn't have held onto the possibility of hope.

“Lux…”

She focuses on him again. "Yes, V?"

“I’m… happy to see you… hear your voice…”

Her eyes widen. Softly spoken, laced with sleep, what he said somehow unlocks something within her. The tears she worked so hard to hold back now spill over her eyes. Her lower lip trembles and she bites it to keep from making any sound. With a soft sniffle, she smiles, sad and helpless. After wiping them away, she squeezes his hand.

V might not hold onto hope right now... nor does he believe in any form of peace and salvation for himself. But she can do it. She will do it. For him... she will believe in everything he doesn't. Little by little, she can impart it on him. Until he's able to accept it and do it himself. Until he reaches _that_ place, the very same in her dreams. Until then...

She will hope for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr | FF.net
> 
> 1\. Happy Holidays, everyone!
> 
> 2\. I haven't played Saeran's AE yet because I need to farm more hourglasses. I'm getting there, though, and I'm getting more nervous about Jihyun's fate. Oh, but please do not spoil me! I want it to be a surprise no matter what happens haha. For this very reason I've been avoiding places I used to visit because I know there'll be spoilers.
> 
> 3\. A shade of grey that resembles ash is called cinereous
> 
> Aaand that is it! Thank you for reading and enjoying. As always, I welcome every kind of feedback. I hope you all have a safe and happy Holidays and New Year.


End file.
